Monthly Archives: March 2012

Black Coffee


I hate black coffee. And yes, there is more than a slight hint of crybaby in that. I would say that I have joined the ranks of millions this spring who are trying to lose weight, but the reality is that I have been part of it for 2 years. I don’t have a lot to lose, but lets just say my waist has become quite adept at ‘pantsing’ me when I bend over, walk, breathe…

Sadly, I’m not very good at it. Losing weight I mean. But I am DAMN good at gaining it. Here’s one of my problems though.

I think I’m giving something up to lose a few pounds (i.e. sugar, fats, carbs) but in reality, I am pretty sure I make up for it in some other way. A beer you say? Oh, no, I mustn’t , because it’s one of the things I have given up to lose weight. A piece of cake with a healthy dollop of frosting? Well bring it on!! I gave up beer, so one piece won’t hurt! And I deserve it! (do you happen to have ice cream as well?)

And getting back to the coffee. I have had my coffee with cream and sugar for thousands of years. Right now I’m trying to cut carbs, so of course I am drinking it with no sugar. Or cream. Because having it with cream and no sugar is worse than black coffee. But I hate black coffee. And it’s making me grouchy. So is being hungry.

It’s not like I am unwilling to give up some things to get the job done. I have gained and lost before, but I am my own worst enemy when it comes to dieting. Maybe that little sense of entitlement holds me down.  (“Wahhh, I want sugar! I want chocolate!”)

I don’t think I’ve ever met a kid that was a bigger crybaby about anything. Seriously.

Another problem is I exercise my ass off (obviously not literally or I wouldn’t be whining right now) And I don’t lose much more than 5-7 pounds.

The artificial sweeteners taste like artificial sweeteners (and by that I mean to say they taste like shit with sugar sprinkled on it. (*disclaimer- I have never eaten shit, but I am pretty sure it tastes like artificial sweetener) So that’s no help.

Eat healthy foods!  I try, I swear to God I do, but that damn sugar is hiding in eeeeeeverything!!!  And if it’s not sugar, it’s corn syrup.

Nothing like 4 bites of a teensy weensy can of creamy yogurt swimming in a swill of high fructose corn syrup! So filling! So satisfying! Yea, that’s not going to help either.

Fresh veggies, I can have all I want! But I’m not a frigging rabbit, and although I don’t mind vegetables, I’m literally starving after an hour.

So here’s my new diet plan. From now on, I am going to eat a whole chicken and drink 2 cans of beer every other Monday. I won’t even guarantee that I will cook the chicken first, but I will certainly pluck it. And some fucking vegetables. Some yummy, fucking vegetables. All I can eat.

And black coffee.

I have declared war on fat!  Pretty sure I know who is going to win this one though. Because I hate black coffee.



What the hell is the deal with groceries?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in any way forgiving manufacturers and grocers  for socking it to me in the wallet because they have to pay more for gas. All of them slap a ‘surcharge’ on their deliveries to grocers, who in turn raises their prices to make up for it. No one slips me a little extra money for my ‘fuel surcharge’ when I fill up my car. And I am pretty sick of paying for their gas, and mine too.

I’m talking about manufacturers slapping me in the face when I walk into the store, and smacking  me on the ass as I walk out 200 bucks poorer. All because of my stupid habit of eating.

However, this rant is about something more sinister, something sneaky they have been doing that most of us hadn’t noticed, and it’s been going on with alarming frequency- they are robbing me of my chocolate.

Oh, it all started innocently enough, gas prices went up, and of course so did the price of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I took it in stride, willing, of course, to pay a little extra to continue feeding my little habit. But this! This will not fly.

A few years ago, peanut butter cups went from the size of a Mason jar lid, to now, the size of a fifty cent piece. All the while, they are still overcharging for them.

But  now  you can buy Super Size Reeses!!!  Hey, let’s face it, they’re the same damn size as the regular ones used to be. And the Reese’s minis? I’m pretty sure when they say mini, they might as well be talking about their ‘regular size’ cups now.

And why stop there? Anyone bought a roll of Pillsbury Crescent rolls lately?  The damn things are bite size!! You would have to fold 4 of them together to get the size they show you in that big ol bread basket on TV commercials! Which is the equivalent of 3 bites anyway.

And how about Lenders Bagels? What a fabulous idea it was for them to start putting 5 bagels in a package, ripping you off for one, charging the same price and therefore they saved money!  Well so did I.   I quit buying them until they realized people don’t like it when you just come right out and rob them. Then, not long after that brilliant idea, they put the sixth bagel back in, and made a big deal out of it. ” SIX BAGELS!!!!!”  Like they did us some kind of favor. All you did was give back what you stole, you want a damn commendation?

The girth of the cardboard roll that your toilet paper is wound onto has increased dramatically, while the amount of sheets per roll, as well as the width of the roll and paper itself has decreased substantially.

Your 16 ounces of Folgers coffee is now 11-11 1/2  ounces, but hey! Just make it weaker and it will make the same amount of pots!!! Who doesn’t like ‘love on the beach?’

Breyers  ice cream went from a half gallon to 1.5 quarts, so now one of your kids doesn’t get a bowl of ice cream for a snack, but that’s your problem!   Buy two!!   You love your kids don’t you!?!

Cans of tuna used to weigh in at a standard 7 ounces, but apparently because the little fishy bastards can swim faster now and are harder to catch, (and fish is actually healthier for you to eat than red meat,) it weighs in now at 5 ounces. And it costs way more. Before the Great Greed, you could add salad dressing and maybe a few onions or celery and stretch that into two sandwiches. Now if you want two, you will be eating  a vegetable and salad dressing sandwich with hints of tuna.

A box of Kraft Mac and Cheese used to feed 2 kids, but now, unless you have extremely small, light eaters, you better open 2 boxes. At 7.25 oz each, there’s no doubt  that mom won’t be  finishing the kids leftovers either.  And I’m not talking about the fun Sponge Bob shaped boxes. Those are 2 ounces less than the regular box.

There is arsenic in your juice. You probably knew that. But don’t you just LOVE that it’s an ‘acceptable level for human consumption?’ Don’t you feel safer just knowing that the government gets to decide what an acceptable level is?

There’s pink slime in your meat. But that’s okay too, because the government has also decided that the way it is prepared is ok for humans to consume. As opposed to being sold off to be used as filler or base for dog food.

From ABC News:      The “pink slime” is made by gathering waste trimmings, simmering them at low heat so the fat separates easily from the muscle, and spinning the trimmings using a centrifuge to complete the separation. Next, the mixture is sent through pipes where it is sprayed with ammonia gas to kill bacteria. The process is completed by packaging the meat into bricks. Then, it is frozen and shipped to grocery stores and meat packers, where it is added to most ground beef.

Any part of a cow can be considered ‘beef’, can’t it though? Any part.   MMMMMMMMM!!  YUMMY!!!

Were any of these companies in financial trouble when they started this shit? No. They just figured since a few others got away with changing their package sizes while giving you less product, they might as well jump on the bandwagon and ride along. Those CEOs really do have a hard time trying to figure out how they’re going to pay the light bill and buy their kids shoes. (sniff, tears)

And these companies are just the tip of the iceberg.

Good God, I don’t know about you, but I feel so safe with my government in charge. And I think I will fire up the grill and cook some…vegetables.  And have a Reese’s Peanut Butter Bite.

And just in case you think I’m crazier than I actually am:

Word Police


I’m not going to say I am a grammar nazi or anything, but I have a small list of words (actually it’s quite lengthy, but I digress, and will share with you just the few I have heard in the last week) that when misused by others when they are speaking to me, cause me to fear for the future of mankind. And it also makes me want to punch them in their face.

I’m not talking about grammar or typos. Misspelled words don’t bother me either, as long as I get the idea of what they’re talking (or typing) about.

It’s  the complete and utter disregard for the words themselves that make me wonder where the hell these people went to school. Those words haven”t done anything to you. Why would you treat them like that?

Here is a sample  of the ones that make my eye twitch as I continue to pretend to listen to the speaker,  but  my attention has been stopped dead in it’s tracks.

‘A whole nother’.   I am not going to bother looking for a dictionary, because I paid attention in 3rd grade, and I know damn well ‘nother’ is not a word. It’s not even a root word because ‘a’ is neither a suffix nor a prefix. And I heard this in a commercial the other day. Someone paid for that commercial. Paid for someone to make them sound like idiots.

‘Anyways’.  It’s any way. Anyway. We don’t go this ways and that ways. And we don’t go anyways. Unless ‘ways’ is now a unit of measure, and we can go 6 ways to Sunday. I would actually rather hear them say ‘anyhoo’. Slang is preferable to butchering words any day.

‘Conversate’.  There are  actually a few songs in which this word is used. I can almost guarantee it’s simply because they needed something that rhymed with ‘hate’.  And I heard it again on TV yesterday. I understand that this has been added to the dictionary, but it’s still classified as slang.  This makes me sad.  I didn’t determinate to conversate about it for so long, but now I’m glad you can orientate  yourself to observate what I’m saying.

‘Irregardless.‘   Really? Why would you add another prefix to a word that already means what you want it to mean? You chose the right word, now instead of adding more shit to it, try adding some thoughts and more words to make yourself  clearly understood.

‘Chimbley’.   That, apparently, is the thing on the roof of your house which carries the smoke up and out from your fireplace.

“Worser’.  It can get worse. Or it can’t get worse. But I know for a fact it can’t get worser.

‘Drawlings’. Are these pictures that are hand drawn?  Or are they baby Drawls?  Or, perhaps they are drawings, an artists interpretation of something.    Y’all.

‘Fer Say’.    In itself,  it could be a way for  an idiot to say ‘for example’.  But if a person doesn’t speak Latin, then a person might be better off to say ‘for example’.

Mind you, I refuse to get into the whole ‘their’ , ‘there’  and ‘they’re’  thing, as well as the grammar wars. I am leaving that to the grumpy ‘commenters’   spread across the internet…they seem to be pretty much on top of that. For some it is their life. Making the world better one snide, haughty comment at a time.

My problem with misuse of words, or inserting a word into the middle of another word,  ‘a(whole)nother’   is that it makes the person speaking sound like a moron. And  suddenly,  (all of the sudden)   I  lose interest in whatever they’re talking about, because now my brain has screeched to a halt on whatever word they slaughtered.

And it’s sticking and repeating in my head, like a boogar on a CD, ‘ worser(tick)worser(tick)worser(tick)worser’.

And they are probably full of shit anyway.

But most of all, it makes me believe, deep down inside, that the world will, misused word by misused word, become the world Mike Judge envisioned…

And frankly, at this rate, I don’t think it’s going to take that long.

So please, for the benefit of all  mankind, try to talk more gooder.