Black Coffee


I hate black coffee. And yes, there is more than a slight hint of crybaby in that. I would say that I have joined the ranks of millions this spring who are trying to lose weight, but the reality is that I have been part of it for 2 years. I don’t have a lot to lose, but lets just say my waist has become quite adept at ‘pantsing’ me when I bend over, walk, breathe…

Sadly, I’m not very good at it. Losing weight I mean. But I am DAMN good at gaining it. Here’s one of my problems though.

I think I’m giving something up to lose a few pounds (i.e. sugar, fats, carbs) but in reality, I am pretty sure I make up for it in some other way. A beer you say? Oh, no, I mustn’t , because it’s one of the things I have given up to lose weight. A piece of cake with a healthy dollop of frosting? Well bring it on!! I gave up beer, so one piece won’t hurt! And I deserve it! (do you happen to have ice cream as well?)

And getting back to the coffee. I have had my coffee with cream and sugar for thousands of years. Right now I’m trying to cut carbs, so of course I am drinking it with no sugar. Or cream. Because having it with cream and no sugar is worse than black coffee. But I hate black coffee. And it’s making me grouchy. So is being hungry.

It’s not like I am unwilling to give up some things to get the job done. I have gained and lost before, but I am my own worst enemy when it comes to dieting. Maybe that little sense of entitlement holds me down.  (“Wahhh, I want sugar! I want chocolate!”)

I don’t think I’ve ever met a kid that was a bigger crybaby about anything. Seriously.

Another problem is I exercise my ass off (obviously not literally or I wouldn’t be whining right now) And I don’t lose much more than 5-7 pounds.

The artificial sweeteners taste like artificial sweeteners (and by that I mean to say they taste like shit with sugar sprinkled on it. (*disclaimer- I have never eaten shit, but I am pretty sure it tastes like artificial sweetener) So that’s no help.

Eat healthy foods!  I try, I swear to God I do, but that damn sugar is hiding in eeeeeeverything!!!  And if it’s not sugar, it’s corn syrup.

Nothing like 4 bites of a teensy weensy can of creamy yogurt swimming in a swill of high fructose corn syrup! So filling! So satisfying! Yea, that’s not going to help either.

Fresh veggies, I can have all I want! But I’m not a frigging rabbit, and although I don’t mind vegetables, I’m literally starving after an hour.

So here’s my new diet plan. From now on, I am going to eat a whole chicken and drink 2 cans of beer every other Monday. I won’t even guarantee that I will cook the chicken first, but I will certainly pluck it. And some fucking vegetables. Some yummy, fucking vegetables. All I can eat.

And black coffee.

I have declared war on fat!  Pretty sure I know who is going to win this one though. Because I hate black coffee.

34 responses »

  1. Again, I love your blog. I needed this morning to begin just this way. I even read it aloud to my husband (the edited edition given that my little ones were listening). We both laughed heartily. Keep up the great posts!

      • I don’t mind the color… I have yet to learn the art of holding my tongue around my kids, hence my five year old telling me that something was “totally bull shit” the other day. *cringe* My advice, for what it may be worth: artificial sweeteners are for people who don’t have tastebuds or have diabetes. Not for discerning coffee drinkers (people who drink black coffee are not discerning).

  2. Oh god I laughed so hard through your post, I could hardly contain myself. The absurdity of it all!! Remember that person Sark, the one who made a successful career out of clever sayings such as, Juicy Women don\t get the blues, or something like that? Well just remember that men, more than one might guess, actually like juicy, delicious women. So maybe coffee with cream and sugar isn\t the worst thing in the world….
    Hey thanks for reading my blog post and commenting, I couldn\t agree more. I will look forward to more hilarity and absurdity from another person who is obviously in the same universe as me *and all these others who have commented on your post! SB

    • Thanks!! It’s great to know folks who are as dedicated as I am to riding the roller coaster of hunger induced insanity and pure grouchiness from suffering stupidity daily!! I am currently baking chocolate chip cookies, because apparently, I hate myself!! Day 2, still no sugar…I am afraid it’s going to get ugly soon…

  3. Being bitter about black coffee is one thing. Depriving yourself of the nectar of the gods that is beer is criminal. Don’t make me notify the authorities.

    • I miss Bud, God knows I do, but the bastard has taken up residence every winter where my abs used to be, pays no rent, and is truly the one responsible for ‘pantsing’ me daily. When he quits acting like a jackass and does something more than that, I might invite him back. Please hold off on the phone calls till we see if he straightens up.

  4. Listen, I’m not an expert and I blame most of my thinness on genetics and luck BUT… I will say this. In college, when I was 30lbs heavier, the ONLY thing that combat-ted (somehow that word does not want to be real) dorm food and stress was riding a bike.

    Forget running.

    Forget giving up beer.

    Get a bike. You don’t even have to ride FAST to feel like you are burning calories. Just resist the urge to eat triple portions because your body will tell you it is starving at the very beginning.

    • Gotcha covered there, it’s been pretty cold in my neck of the woods lately, but I do have a regular mountain bike which I will be on almost daily, and for the last 2 weeks I have been on my spinning bike in the house…that is a fab workout! I just felt like I needed to cut back on the carbs for faster results. Thanks for the boost! I can’t wait to get back on my mountain bike!

      • Awesome. Yes… to the carbs. My husband declared war on carbs when he turned 30 and lost his rock hard abs. (I keep wishing I had only known him earlier…)

  5. Effing Black Coffee. AND NO! Do NOT add skim milk to your coffee – Gross. It makes it a weird color and improves the flavor far too little to be worth it. I found my love for artificial sweeteners years ago, so luckily my coffee is still sweet.

    Good luck with the NO CARB thing. (that is my own version of intense torture…)

    Enjoy your chicken!

    • Haha! No Carb is intense torture, it’s like every cell in my body is lacking something and it’s been 3 days, I mean come on, that’s definitely in my head! Thanks for the good wishes! I will keep you all posted unless I murder someone, in which case I will most likely be incarcerated with no internet access.

  6. You gave up beer? ARE YOU INSANE?!!! Give up food instead and eat supplements with your beer..i am a diet guru

    • Oh my God, you are so awesome! Beer and supplements! Lets see if I can figure out this equation…1 pork chop in every can X no food + supplements…I think the sum would be = I won’t know or care if I lost weight! LOL Love it!

  7. I’m not a coffee fan. At. All. But when I do have it, the more it tastes like something else, the better. I have your same diet’s hard to lose weight when you have very little to lose. Try mashed cauliflower- its super filling. And it’s good. It’s like eating a vat of mashed potatoes!

  8. Beware of cutting carbs. The body needs carbs for energy. I went from 235 pounds to 150 pounds without cutting carbs. I cut out the junk food (though I will buy potato chips once a month,)

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