Sausage patties and refrigerators

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Sunday morning! The day for our yummy big breakfast. Usually it’s eggs, bacon, sausage, potatoes and toast, with coffee of course. (make mine black, I hate myself.)  I have been good with my zero carbs, and if you’ve read my previous posts, then you know where it’s heading- I deserve it.

But let me go off  on a tangent for a bit though, for I feel that with all the exercise and carb cutting, I am leaning toward insanity. No one has been murdered yet, but I fear it’s just a matter of time.

Todays subject-Sausage. not patties, not links, but the bulk stuff that comes in a roll so you can either slice it into tiny hockey pucks, or try ( I say try) to squeeze it between your hands as if you had the idea that you were going to make patties out of it. What happens however is you end up with red, slimy crap all over your hands that you will eventually scrape off into a pan and attempt to flatten with a spatula.

Now that we have it all pattied and cooking, lets move on to consistency, smell  and taste.

Some years back, sausage tasted and smelled like a spiced pork product, yummy and good, you could smell it cooking and you knew instantly that it was breakfast sausage. But that is no more my friends, those days are gone…

While its cooking, I pull the cover off of the pan, and it smells like no spices were added, but instead, they washed the sausage with dishsoap. And not expensive stuff either, just the shit you find for fifty cents a bottle.

Today I am eating a sausage patty whose ingredients, I’m pretty sure, include but are not limited to- pork, pork type by product, slimy red stuff, toenails, bits of hair, lint balls, and any leftover crumbs and bits they found laying around in their cupboards and the dryer lint trap.  And it tastes like that.

I am pretty sure thats my last sausage patty.

Now to my refrigerator for a moment.

When you look inside, theres a little cubby with a flip up flap thingy in the door. Ok, if you put ANYTHING in it, its going to slide out and hit floor every fucking time you open the door for anything, so whats the point there? Do the designers of shit like this sit around smoking weed and laughing about how stupid their ideas are and then incorporating them anyway? All the while just bustin a gut because some dumbass is going to buy it, and at least once will try to put something in that hole with a flap.

I have a half roll of sausage product left. I am considering putting it in the flapped door just to punish it. Also, I will burn calories bending over repeatedly and putting it back in there.

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5 responses »

  1. I can imagine that your career as a stand up comedianne will be extremely successful one day. another lol episode from you who are simply a bit too honest… thanks for the laughs, I can really use them right about now!

  2. The description of what you speculate is in the sausage cracks me up! I’ve read three posts and I’m hooked! I’ll be back, you crack me up!

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