Traffic Jams and Morons


I thought I would share with you a few things about Mankind that have pissed me off the last few weeks, in no particular order. See if you can spot the ones in your life, and in your town. These jackasses are everywhere. And they must be breeding.

‘Indiscriminate  Stoppers.’……………..These people can be found in public places, in hallways leading to bathrooms, or on stairs which are only wide enough to accommodate 2 rows of people, the ones going up, and the ones going down. These  ’Indiscriminate  stoppers’ will always be  going in the direction you are going, and they will always be right in front of you. Always.

These are the people who feel it necessary to stop walking with no warning whatsoever,with no logical reason at all. One minute they are walking (in front of you, of course in front of you) and their brain suddenly changes gears and they stop cold- (ERK!) standing still now as they rummage through their purse, or stare blankly at something that only they can understand. Perhaps they heard a command from the sky, or perhaps they are unable to walk and think at the same time, (Great Scott! Do NOT pass out gum!!! )

But regardless of the reason (or the fact that they are in a crowd of moving humans all going in the same direction) they are now stopped, which puts you in the position of attempting to gracefully avoid  grabbing their shoulder or ass in an attempt to avoid trampling them as you nonetheless grab their shoulder or ass, (DAMMIT!!!)    and causing your brain to command your voicebox to form the word “BAHWHATTHEFUCK???”

These people also enjoy getting to the bottom of a flight of stairs, or the other side of a door, and then stopping to talk to someone. I only hope they’re never leaving a burning building, because urrbodies  gone die.

These people (morons) are completely and blissfully unaware that other humans coexist with them on this plane.

‘ Traffic Bottleneck Alleviatior Attemptors ’………………….. These are the nice folks who, while on the way to their destination to enjoy some much needed R&R over the weekend, (and usually not with their wives and kids but with their buddies because wife had to stay home with ‘said kids’ to deliver them to soccer/volleyball/football-practice/games)  feel as though it’s their duty to pass everyone on the fucking expressway until they have caused a literal traffic jam some miles behind them. (Keep in mind where I live, the expressway is hilly, and I can see your sorry ass sitting about 17 vehicles back from the open highway, (locked up, bitch) as I am now sitting on the top of the hill .

I hope you saved yourself enough time to offset the fact that there are 5 Mack trucks, 5 RVs, and seven brand new cars with 14 very confused and very old people in front of you now. If  I gotta wait now because you weaved your truck and trailer with your goddamn wave runners effortlessly through all ‘that damn traffic’ (aww shit, you got skillz!), I’m just glad it’s a misery we can share together.    Asshole…. Have a short weekend! 😀

‘Those people On Facebook Who are  Literally In The Same Room  When She updates Her Whiny Ass Status On Her  Phone And He Can See It On His  Phone At That Very Moment’.……..And then they continue to have a ”conversation’ on facebook.   These people need help.

People who Are Friends With People Who Work In The Drive Thru’………….Ok, people ……..who need people, ……………are the luckiest people…….IN THE WOOOORLD. I’m all for that. I really am. Some of the nicest people I know are people.  BUT.  I do think that if I’m in line for  smoothies, and I have 10 minutes to accomplish this task, although  you are friends with the person who is working there and you want to cement your weekend plans with this ‘people’ , it would be much more awesome if you just call her/him. Because this particular people in the drive thru is working at the moment. And theres a fucking line up behind your inane conversation! 

What really pissed me off the most about this was that the woman working in the drive thru was The Owner Of Said Establishment.  And she looked at us sitting there waiting several times. I’m guessing she didn’t need our money, and was instead content to yuk it up with whoever was gumming up the works.

This is a locally owned little drive thru only shop, not a big corporation. I thought those guys survived on regulars, maybe I was wrong?

We decided to blow thru the drive thru when the silly bitch finally moved, (and the guy behind me who also observed this BS followed suit ) and went to another establishment for our smoothies. Won’t go back either. If I want to be treated like shit and ignored, and get the slowest service in the world, I’ll go to Wal Mart.

Sales people (girls) and servers who talk normally when they’re not with a customer, but for some reason think think that when they address said customer they need to raise their voice to a high, annoying pitch.

(disclaimer- I was a server for a good many years, and I can assure you that if you treat people right, the money follows. Also, I have no contempt whatsoever for good service, and I will tip the shit out of you if I get it. And I have never spoken like this. True story Bro)

I wish you could hear my impression of it, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and just assume you know exactly what I mean. I have dealt with 4 of these girls on different days and different places I have been last couple weeks, but they are everywhere. Their voice is whiny, nasally, sooooper high, and they drag their words out slowly until they can squeeze a couple extra syllables out of them.

At the casino, as I sat at my one armed bandit of choice, I was assaulted several times by this-

“BEEYUUUUUUUR!!  ICCCCCE COLD BEEYUUUUUUUUUUR ANYONE?” Several times in a row, followed shortly thereafter by “DREEEENKSSSS????? DREEEEEEEEEENKSSSSS ANYONE?”  (please note the long ‘sssssssss’ because for some reason they think when they’re screaming  that the sound of  ‘s’ carries far and wide) I swear to God they train them to say it like that because they all do it that way. All of them.

At the restaurant, as our server waited on us and spoke to us as if we were both 5 years old at daycare. “Didju want ssssome more icccced teeeea???  Are you all sssset with that? Howsssss everytheeeng?”  (now remember, the pitch of the voice gets even higher at the end of the sentences because they are questions.Even when they’re statements. For these girls, all sentences are spoken like questions, all the time.)

I swearsometimes I am literally going to have a  seizure just from the sound of their voices. They make  Fran Drescher laughing sound like Morgan fucking Freeman reading the first chapter of the bible.

Which led me to have an epiphany last week when I went out to dinner. I prefer a male server or salesperson. Why? Because  they  treat me like an adult. They come to the table and say things like ‘How you doin tonight?’  Then pause to actually wait for an answer. “My name is ____, and I’ll be your server.” (spoken as a statement)  “We have a few specials tonight, would you like to hear them?” (spoken as a question) ” Can I start you guys off with something to drink?” (spoken as a question) “Ah great, good choice, good choice.” (spoken as a statement)

Then he proceeds to do his job efficiently, as he actually pays attention to the needs of the table.

And I never feel like I’m going to develop a brain aneurysm from continuous exposure to a ‘nails on a chalkboard’ voice.

So if you have run into any of these people (literally or figuratively) please take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Support group meets here every few weeks.

9 responses »

  1. You nailed it, as always. Another type of “you’re about to make me stab myself in the ear” voice is the chicky who thinks she giving good phone when answering. If you talk to her in person, she is normal. BUT, when she answers the phone it’s swooping and puky bubbly “Family Mediciiiiiiiine this is Breeeenaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”
    Do they make phone tasers?

    • Who the hell taught these young girls to talk like they’re retarded now?
      Still laughing about the phone taser though! Probably because I pictured the unsuspecting banshee getting zapped and flopping around. God, that would be awesome.

  2. I HATE indiscriminate stoppers. When I go to the grocery store, I become enraged at people who stop with their cart in the middle of the aisle. I have actually written several posts about this- it boils my blood!

  3. Oh no!! I’m an Indiscriminate Stopper! It’s my ADD. I do apologize profusely when someone rams me. It’s not their fault. I need hazard lights.

    As for the talkers– the ones who get me are those who believe that I actually want to hear their cell phone conversations.

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