Tag Archives: coffee

Sausage patties and refrigerators

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Sunday morning! The day for our yummy big breakfast. Usually it’s eggs, bacon, sausage, potatoes and toast, with coffee of course. (make mine black, I hate myself.)  I have been good with my zero carbs, and if you’ve read my previous posts, then you know where it’s heading- I deserve it.

But let me go off  on a tangent for a bit though, for I feel that with all the exercise and carb cutting, I am leaning toward insanity. No one has been murdered yet, but I fear it’s just a matter of time.

Todays subject-Sausage. not patties, not links, but the bulk stuff that comes in a roll so you can either slice it into tiny hockey pucks, or try ( I say try) to squeeze it between your hands as if you had the idea that you were going to make patties out of it. What happens however is you end up with red, slimy crap all over your hands that you will eventually scrape off into a pan and attempt to flatten with a spatula.

Now that we have it all pattied and cooking, lets move on to consistency, smell  and taste.

Some years back, sausage tasted and smelled like a spiced pork product, yummy and good, you could smell it cooking and you knew instantly that it was breakfast sausage. But that is no more my friends, those days are gone…

While its cooking, I pull the cover off of the pan, and it smells like no spices were added, but instead, they washed the sausage with dishsoap. And not expensive stuff either, just the shit you find for fifty cents a bottle.

Today I am eating a sausage patty whose ingredients, I’m pretty sure, include but are not limited to- pork, pork type by product, slimy red stuff, toenails, bits of hair, lint balls, and any leftover crumbs and bits they found laying around in their cupboards and the dryer lint trap.  And it tastes like that.

I am pretty sure thats my last sausage patty.

Now to my refrigerator for a moment.

When you look inside, theres a little cubby with a flip up flap thingy in the door. Ok, if you put ANYTHING in it, its going to slide out and hit floor every fucking time you open the door for anything, so whats the point there? Do the designers of shit like this sit around smoking weed and laughing about how stupid their ideas are and then incorporating them anyway? All the while just bustin a gut because some dumbass is going to buy it, and at least once will try to put something in that hole with a flap.

I have a half roll of sausage product left. I am considering putting it in the flapped door just to punish it. Also, I will burn calories bending over repeatedly and putting it back in there.

Black Coffee

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I hate black coffee. And yes, there is more than a slight hint of crybaby in that. I would say that I have joined the ranks of millions this spring who are trying to lose weight, but the reality is that I have been part of it for 2 years. I don’t have a lot to lose, but lets just say my waist has become quite adept at ‘pantsing’ me when I bend over, walk, breathe…

Sadly, I’m not very good at it. Losing weight I mean. But I am DAMN good at gaining it. Here’s one of my problems though.

I think I’m giving something up to lose a few pounds (i.e. sugar, fats, carbs) but in reality, I am pretty sure I make up for it in some other way. A beer you say? Oh, no, I mustn’t , because it’s one of the things I have given up to lose weight. A piece of cake with a healthy dollop of frosting? Well bring it on!! I gave up beer, so one piece won’t hurt! And I deserve it! (do you happen to have ice cream as well?)

And getting back to the coffee. I have had my coffee with cream and sugar for thousands of years. Right now I’m trying to cut carbs, so of course I am drinking it with no sugar. Or cream. Because having it with cream and no sugar is worse than black coffee. But I hate black coffee. And it’s making me grouchy. So is being hungry.

It’s not like I am unwilling to give up some things to get the job done. I have gained and lost before, but I am my own worst enemy when it comes to dieting. Maybe that little sense of entitlement holds me down.  (“Wahhh, I want sugar! I want chocolate!”)

I don’t think I’ve ever met a kid that was a bigger crybaby about anything. Seriously.

Another problem is I exercise my ass off (obviously not literally or I wouldn’t be whining right now) And I don’t lose much more than 5-7 pounds.

The artificial sweeteners taste like artificial sweeteners (and by that I mean to say they taste like shit with sugar sprinkled on it. (*disclaimer- I have never eaten shit, but I am pretty sure it tastes like artificial sweetener) So that’s no help.

Eat healthy foods!  I try, I swear to God I do, but that damn sugar is hiding in eeeeeeverything!!!  And if it’s not sugar, it’s corn syrup.

Nothing like 4 bites of a teensy weensy can of creamy yogurt swimming in a swill of high fructose corn syrup! So filling! So satisfying! Yea, that’s not going to help either.

Fresh veggies, I can have all I want! But I’m not a frigging rabbit, and although I don’t mind vegetables, I’m literally starving after an hour.

So here’s my new diet plan. From now on, I am going to eat a whole chicken and drink 2 cans of beer every other Monday. I won’t even guarantee that I will cook the chicken first, but I will certainly pluck it. And some fucking vegetables. Some yummy, fucking vegetables. All I can eat.

And black coffee.

I have declared war on fat!  Pretty sure I know who is going to win this one though. Because I hate black coffee.