Tag Archives: food

Like taking Candy from a Crabass

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You know how I’m the unlucky dog who gets bad food and bad service at restaurants, wrong food at same, get stuck behind shitty drivers, slow drivers, asshole drivers, morons in grocery stores, Christians jumping on my porch screaming at me….?

Well, I get a lot of guff from people now and then, because they think I should be more forgiving. I disagree.

If you lived a few weeks of my life, you would see that it’s truly not me.

I have had some shit happen to me the last few weeks, and I decided to expect better, and it changed…..well, not a goddamn thing. Shit still happens to me.

My husband took me out for my birthday recently. On our way to the casino, we stopped for a burger. Guess what? Mine was spoiled meat.

No, I’m not saying smelled funny, maybe kinda off, no. I’m saying  it was a “someone in the kitchen reached into the back of the (I’m guessing not cold fridge) and found a long forgotten patty and decided to fry it up” kind of spoiled. An ‘I took one bite and spit it out’ kind of spoiled.

I quietly called the server over and relayed the problem. She loudly disagreed with me, took the plate to the kitchen, then came back out and told me there was nothing wrong with it, she had been serving burgers all day.

So this told me one of two things:

1. I was an idiot, and after having been a cook and person who eats for more than 30 years, I had no idea what spoiled meat looked, smelled or tasted like.

2. This was how their beef tastes at that particular establishment. Like spoiled meat.

I won’t go back, but do you see how this is the kind of shit that follows me?

No?

Well guess what got me thinking about this. Go ahead, guess.

I’m eating a Tootsie roll Pop just now, first one out of the bag, cherry because it’s my favorite. I just held it up to the light coming into the window. Guess whats not in it?

Yup. No tootsie roll.

This is the shit that happens to me.

Sausage patties and refrigerators

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Sunday morning! The day for our yummy big breakfast. Usually it’s eggs, bacon, sausage, potatoes and toast, with coffee of course. (make mine black, I hate myself.)  I have been good with my zero carbs, and if you’ve read my previous posts, then you know where it’s heading- I deserve it.

But let me go off  on a tangent for a bit though, for I feel that with all the exercise and carb cutting, I am leaning toward insanity. No one has been murdered yet, but I fear it’s just a matter of time.

Todays subject-Sausage. not patties, not links, but the bulk stuff that comes in a roll so you can either slice it into tiny hockey pucks, or try ( I say try) to squeeze it between your hands as if you had the idea that you were going to make patties out of it. What happens however is you end up with red, slimy crap all over your hands that you will eventually scrape off into a pan and attempt to flatten with a spatula.

Now that we have it all pattied and cooking, lets move on to consistency, smell  and taste.

Some years back, sausage tasted and smelled like a spiced pork product, yummy and good, you could smell it cooking and you knew instantly that it was breakfast sausage. But that is no more my friends, those days are gone…

While its cooking, I pull the cover off of the pan, and it smells like no spices were added, but instead, they washed the sausage with dishsoap. And not expensive stuff either, just the shit you find for fifty cents a bottle.

Today I am eating a sausage patty whose ingredients, I’m pretty sure, include but are not limited to- pork, pork type by product, slimy red stuff, toenails, bits of hair, lint balls, and any leftover crumbs and bits they found laying around in their cupboards and the dryer lint trap.  And it tastes like that.

I am pretty sure thats my last sausage patty.

Now to my refrigerator for a moment.

When you look inside, theres a little cubby with a flip up flap thingy in the door. Ok, if you put ANYTHING in it, its going to slide out and hit floor every fucking time you open the door for anything, so whats the point there? Do the designers of shit like this sit around smoking weed and laughing about how stupid their ideas are and then incorporating them anyway? All the while just bustin a gut because some dumbass is going to buy it, and at least once will try to put something in that hole with a flap.

I have a half roll of sausage product left. I am considering putting it in the flapped door just to punish it. Also, I will burn calories bending over repeatedly and putting it back in there.

Black Coffee

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I hate black coffee. And yes, there is more than a slight hint of crybaby in that. I would say that I have joined the ranks of millions this spring who are trying to lose weight, but the reality is that I have been part of it for 2 years. I don’t have a lot to lose, but lets just say my waist has become quite adept at ‘pantsing’ me when I bend over, walk, breathe…

Sadly, I’m not very good at it. Losing weight I mean. But I am DAMN good at gaining it. Here’s one of my problems though.

I think I’m giving something up to lose a few pounds (i.e. sugar, fats, carbs) but in reality, I am pretty sure I make up for it in some other way. A beer you say? Oh, no, I mustn’t , because it’s one of the things I have given up to lose weight. A piece of cake with a healthy dollop of frosting? Well bring it on!! I gave up beer, so one piece won’t hurt! And I deserve it! (do you happen to have ice cream as well?)

And getting back to the coffee. I have had my coffee with cream and sugar for thousands of years. Right now I’m trying to cut carbs, so of course I am drinking it with no sugar. Or cream. Because having it with cream and no sugar is worse than black coffee. But I hate black coffee. And it’s making me grouchy. So is being hungry.

It’s not like I am unwilling to give up some things to get the job done. I have gained and lost before, but I am my own worst enemy when it comes to dieting. Maybe that little sense of entitlement holds me down.  (“Wahhh, I want sugar! I want chocolate!”)

I don’t think I’ve ever met a kid that was a bigger crybaby about anything. Seriously.

Another problem is I exercise my ass off (obviously not literally or I wouldn’t be whining right now) And I don’t lose much more than 5-7 pounds.

The artificial sweeteners taste like artificial sweeteners (and by that I mean to say they taste like shit with sugar sprinkled on it. (*disclaimer- I have never eaten shit, but I am pretty sure it tastes like artificial sweetener) So that’s no help.

Eat healthy foods!  I try, I swear to God I do, but that damn sugar is hiding in eeeeeeverything!!!  And if it’s not sugar, it’s corn syrup.

Nothing like 4 bites of a teensy weensy can of creamy yogurt swimming in a swill of high fructose corn syrup! So filling! So satisfying! Yea, that’s not going to help either.

Fresh veggies, I can have all I want! But I’m not a frigging rabbit, and although I don’t mind vegetables, I’m literally starving after an hour.

So here’s my new diet plan. From now on, I am going to eat a whole chicken and drink 2 cans of beer every other Monday. I won’t even guarantee that I will cook the chicken first, but I will certainly pluck it. And some fucking vegetables. Some yummy, fucking vegetables. All I can eat.

And black coffee.

I have declared war on fat!  Pretty sure I know who is going to win this one though. Because I hate black coffee.

Greed

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What the hell is the deal with groceries?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in any way forgiving manufacturers and grocers  for socking it to me in the wallet because they have to pay more for gas. All of them slap a ‘surcharge’ on their deliveries to grocers, who in turn raises their prices to make up for it. No one slips me a little extra money for my ‘fuel surcharge’ when I fill up my car. And I am pretty sick of paying for their gas, and mine too.

I’m talking about manufacturers slapping me in the face when I walk into the store, and smacking  me on the ass as I walk out 200 bucks poorer. All because of my stupid habit of eating.

However, this rant is about something more sinister, something sneaky they have been doing that most of us hadn’t noticed, and it’s been going on with alarming frequency- they are robbing me of my chocolate.

Oh, it all started innocently enough, gas prices went up, and of course so did the price of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I took it in stride, willing, of course, to pay a little extra to continue feeding my little habit. But this! This will not fly.

A few years ago, peanut butter cups went from the size of a Mason jar lid, to now, the size of a fifty cent piece. All the while, they are still overcharging for them.

But  now  you can buy Super Size Reeses!!!  Hey, let’s face it, they’re the same damn size as the regular ones used to be. And the Reese’s minis? I’m pretty sure when they say mini, they might as well be talking about their ‘regular size’ cups now.

And why stop there? Anyone bought a roll of Pillsbury Crescent rolls lately?  The damn things are bite size!! You would have to fold 4 of them together to get the size they show you in that big ol bread basket on TV commercials! Which is the equivalent of 3 bites anyway.

And how about Lenders Bagels? What a fabulous idea it was for them to start putting 5 bagels in a package, ripping you off for one, charging the same price and therefore they saved money!  Well so did I.   I quit buying them until they realized people don’t like it when you just come right out and rob them. Then, not long after that brilliant idea, they put the sixth bagel back in, and made a big deal out of it. ” SIX BAGELS!!!!!”  Like they did us some kind of favor. All you did was give back what you stole, you want a damn commendation?

The girth of the cardboard roll that your toilet paper is wound onto has increased dramatically, while the amount of sheets per roll, as well as the width of the roll and paper itself has decreased substantially.

Your 16 ounces of Folgers coffee is now 11-11 1/2  ounces, but hey! Just make it weaker and it will make the same amount of pots!!! Who doesn’t like ‘love on the beach?’

Breyers  ice cream went from a half gallon to 1.5 quarts, so now one of your kids doesn’t get a bowl of ice cream for a snack, but that’s your problem!   Buy two!!   You love your kids don’t you!?!

Cans of tuna used to weigh in at a standard 7 ounces, but apparently because the little fishy bastards can swim faster now and are harder to catch, (and fish is actually healthier for you to eat than red meat,) it weighs in now at 5 ounces. And it costs way more. Before the Great Greed, you could add salad dressing and maybe a few onions or celery and stretch that into two sandwiches. Now if you want two, you will be eating  a vegetable and salad dressing sandwich with hints of tuna.

A box of Kraft Mac and Cheese used to feed 2 kids, but now, unless you have extremely small, light eaters, you better open 2 boxes. At 7.25 oz each, there’s no doubt  that mom won’t be  finishing the kids leftovers either.  And I’m not talking about the fun Sponge Bob shaped boxes. Those are 2 ounces less than the regular box.

There is arsenic in your juice. You probably knew that. But don’t you just LOVE that it’s an ‘acceptable level for human consumption?’ Don’t you feel safer just knowing that the government gets to decide what an acceptable level is?

http://consumerist.com/2012/02/lawmakers-announce-legislation-to-set-limits-on-arsenic-lead-in-fruit-juice.html

There’s pink slime in your meat. But that’s okay too, because the government has also decided that the way it is prepared is ok for humans to consume. As opposed to being sold off to be used as filler or base for dog food.

From ABC News:      The “pink slime” is made by gathering waste trimmings, simmering them at low heat so the fat separates easily from the muscle, and spinning the trimmings using a centrifuge to complete the separation. Next, the mixture is sent through pipes where it is sprayed with ammonia gas to kill bacteria. The process is completed by packaging the meat into bricks. Then, it is frozen and shipped to grocery stores and meat packers, where it is added to most ground beef.

Any part of a cow can be considered ‘beef’, can’t it though? Any part.   MMMMMMMMM!!  YUMMY!!!

Were any of these companies in financial trouble when they started this shit? No. They just figured since a few others got away with changing their package sizes while giving you less product, they might as well jump on the bandwagon and ride along. Those CEOs really do have a hard time trying to figure out how they’re going to pay the light bill and buy their kids shoes. (sniff, tears)

And these companies are just the tip of the iceberg.

Good God, I don’t know about you, but I feel so safe with my government in charge. And I think I will fire up the grill and cook some…vegetables.  And have a Reese’s Peanut Butter Bite.

And just in case you think I’m crazier than I actually am:

http://consumerist.com/taking-it-seriously/grocery-shrink-ray/